‘Last times’

This post is about stopping self harm, so it does make mention of it. There are no details, and what I have to say may even be helpful, but please be safe.

I’ve been thinking lately about ‘last times’.
In my life, I have had more than my fair share of ‘last times’. When my self harm had moved from coping strategy to (extremely) bad habit, I tried to stop. A lot. I’d tell myself that this would be the ‘last time’. That I was never, ever, ever going to hurt myself, ever again. Two days later, the resolve would be gone, and I would be craving the feeling of release that it gave me. So I’d hurt myself. And feel even more of a failure than I had to begin with.

It wasn’t until I changed the way I thought about stopping, that I managed to actually stop habitually self harming. From idea of the ‘last time’, I moved away, and began thinking more in terms of ‘not now’. Eventually I could think ‘not today’. And if you can get through one day, why not another? It was always a struggle, and the feeling never went away completely, but I have managed to change the way I behave when it comes to self harm. 

Unfortunately, I still have some times when I find it incredibly difficult not to hurt myself, when I walk a very fine line between releasing emotion and being destructive. When I have to go back to ‘not now’ for a while. But I think the good thing for me is, by thinking ‘not now’, and ‘not today’, I don’t have a last time, not as such. So there’s no pressure. It’s an ongoing project. I’m an ongoing project. We all are.


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